Never good enough

Before my parents decided to come and visit me, I have to admit that they were kind of pissing me off with questions about Brett and I getting married. My mom bugs me about it all. the. time. but my dad asked me about it for the first time about a month ago. He said that we're getting old and that there isn't a reason for us not to. Well, we need money to have a wedding, and we kinda just spent most of it on a house, DAD! If I had known that my parents would bug us more about marriage after we bought a house, I would've kept it a secret or something. It's kinda like "Congratulations on such a great accomplishment at such a young age, but you two really should get married NOW." They're proud of me, I'm sure of that, but why must they ALWAYS focus on the negative?

Brett and I decided to buy a house because it was a good time to buy and we didn't want to live in our tiny one bedroom apartment anymore. It was actually Brett's idea. I thought about buying a house, but some time in the future because I didn't think I could do it. Brett suggesting that WE buy a house, is one of the sweetest things he has done for me. It was his way of saying that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and thought that we were ready to share our finances (even though we kinda did that last part already). He wanted to give me a place to call home. Before we bought our house, the only place I called "home" was Hawaii. Sure, we had a place to live in, but it was always temporary. In his own way, he told me that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and have a place for us to grow old together. To me, that's sweeter than spending all the money we had so that he could put a ring on my finger and have a wedding, and still be stuck in a teeny tiny apartment. We live like we're married, we just haven't signed papers to make it official, but what's the rush? It takes quite a level of maturity to realize that you're committed to someone and live as one unselfishly. I wish my parents would see that. But nothing ever seems good enough.

It took me a while to not care about what others think of me, but I still care about what my parents think. I've always wanted their approval and praise. I always admired the fact that my older brother didn't want their praise like I did. I wish I could be more like him in that way. It bothered me when my straight A's and awards didn't seem to mean much. I got into an argument with my dad about that when I was about 18. He told me that parents don't give their children praise because they want them to always do better. Okay, I understand that... I want to strive to be better too, but what am I supposed to do when I feel like I've already done my best and it's still not good enough? Hmm... like buying a house at age 24 with someone who loves me and wants to be with me??!! I know they're proud and they have told me that they're happy for me. It just feels like they're raining on my parade by jumping to something negative so quickly.

It's not that I don't want to get married. I would like to, but we're still settling into our house and I would like to take one big step at a time. I don't want to just go to a courthouse and sign some papers. I want a wedding. I want to wear a white dress, and for once, won't care that all eyes are one me. That day will come when it comes. My parents will just have to be patient until then and I have to try hard not to let their comments get to me.