Sometimes...

Regret

People say not to live life with regrets, well, I have one today. I found out that a long time donor of the organization I work for passed away recently.  I didn't know him too well, but he always came by to drop off his donations in person.  He was nice and sweet to me.  The thing I regret is that I realized a little while ago that I hadn't seen him in a while and he stopped by pretty often.  I thought about calling him to see how he was doing, but I felt uncomfortable with it since I didn't know him that well... if he was sick, I didn't want his family to think I was being nosy or something.  But now, I wish that I did and not care about what other people thought.  Could have, should have, would have...

Home

This is the first Hawaii trip I've taken without Brett in years.  I think the last time I came home by myself was like 5 years ago.  That was also the last time we were apart for an extended period of time.  I miss his company because he would help me fill the time we had during the day.  We would go to the beach, wander around Hawaii together, and have lunch at our favorite spots.

This trip so far has been surreal.  It started when Brett dropped me off.  Maybe I was just tired, but we hugged, kissed, and said goodbye and I didn't cry.  I ALWAYS used to cry when he saw me off before.  I couldn't believe I was going to Hawaii.  In fact, I still can't believe I'm here, in my childhood bedroom typing this.

I guess this trip felt very "normal" without Brett.  It felt like I stepped back in time to when I used to live here.  My friends work during the day, so I would just wake up, hang around at home for a while, go out shopping and run errands, come home and hang out a little more, then go out at night with my friends.  It's pretty much what I used to to when I lived here.

This trip didn't feel like a "vacation."  I guess when I think about "vacation" now, I think about spending it with Brett.  My visit home this time just felt like any other day in my life, minus working, and I'm in Hawaii instead of California.

I'm glad I got to see some of my friends.  We would meet for dinner after they got off of work.  I'm so grateful that they took time out of their busy schedules and long work days just to see me.  It gets so much harder to keep in touch as we get older, especially if you live in different states, but I think that if friends really care about one another, they will make time to keep in touch or just see you for a little while, even if it's just to say hi.  I'm am truly thankful that I have wonderful friends in California and Hawaii... people who make it so much easier to be away from one or the other.

I got to spend time with my three little loves.  I still can't believe how quickly they grew up and how much I've missed.  They're 10, 9 and 3 now.  They can speak to me in English and have their own unique personalities.  I got to take them out to lunch, the library (little N LOVES to read), walk around Chinatown and check out the CNY festivities and spoil them by buying snacks, these cute food erasers they collect, and nail stickers.  I had a really hard time saying goodbye to them yesterday.  I pretty much gave them hugs and kisses and almost ran out the door because I didn't want them to see me cry.  I love them so much... I wish I could take them out to lunch and things like that all the time. :'(

I guess I better finish packing since I'm leaving for the airport in like 2 hours.  Time to leave my Hawaii home and go back to my California home.

Motivation

I've been so bad at posting. I wrote an entry at the end of December 2011 and I didn't even publish it, but I'm posting it because I think it is important for me to remember this stuff. Brett and I did a lot in 2011.
We went to Hawaii, not once, but twice.
I went to San Diego for the first time.
I was maid of honor at my BFF's wedding.
Brett's brother's wedding was amazing!
Giants games are always fun!
Wig and Mustache Bash!

I sort of felt like I didn't accomplish much in 2011 until around November. Someone said something that REALLY offended me. I was pretty peeved for a while but instead of staying upset, I learned from it. From there, I learned to let go of a few things in my past that made me really bitter. I learned to forgive. I will not be bitter. I will not be resentful. I will not be cynical. And within a split second of having this epiphany, it felt like this huge weight was lifted and I felt A. LOT. HAPPIER. So kiddos, even though it took me YEARS to forgive those that have hurt me in the past, it is something that you need to do. So, that was the past. Now onto the present and the future! Maybe if you're lucky, I'll post what I did in 2012 soon. =P

Why is it that...

Telling myself that things could be worse doesn't make me feel better?

I hope...

... that all these questions that fill my head will be answered. One day. Preferably SOON! Or else I'm gonna burst.

The Places We Should Have Gone

Just discovered WongFuProductions on YouTube. This is a cute little video. Watch first, then keep reading.



Brett and I just came back from a 3-day weekend trip to San Diego with a couple of friends. Even though I like spending time with them, I would like to take a trip with him. Just the two of us. And not to Hawaii because we've been there many times (and it's not the same when my family around bugging me). I want to go exploring somewhere and just see something new. This thought came to my head as I was just sitting in the airport, holding his arm. I was a bit nervous to ask him... because I was afraid he would say no and *poof* goes my little daydream. He responded to my question in a calm, soothing tone (probably because he was tired, we both were) "Where would you like to go?" It made me happy, even though I don't know where I want to go yet. And seeing this video made me happy. It makes me thankful that I don't have someone that just brushes off my thoughts and makes me feel like a burden. I know that's not the message the director was trying to get across, but it made me think that I'm so lucky to have places to go to with someone.

Oh, and the director's friend wrote the beautiful music. Check out Songs for Cinema. A-MA-ZING!